Peculiar Mutterings

A place to hide, to be invisible, where no cares and no one knows.

Where the mask I wear disappears with the flow of the keys, where thoughts can come alive or die as I choose. Where my control is no longer your control.

where you will never find me, never know me, never love me.

Your loss will be excruciating but only within my mind.  Your face hidden between the nuances that I choose to free.

Your love is lost, it can't be found, it can't be freed. Snatches that I see only reinforce the fact that it's beyond my reach, beyond my ability to grab it and hold it.

Let me be free, free from the love that I feel, free from the binds that tie me, free from the ever changing face that I always seem to recognise.

You never knew me, never loved me, never wanted me. Yet, my soul flies above you, circling you, waiting.. waiting..

Waiting to feed on your charred innards, the blackness that your empty soul generates.

Where do you hide, my love, my pain, where do you hide?

Things have changed so much for me since my split with Mike.  I have become incredibly controlling of my on-line partners Internet activity.  Its been years since I dabbled in on-line relationships and boy did I ever forget how hard they can be.  I swore I wouldn't get involved again but there are times things just happen and you get close to someone even though you know they are going to hurt you in some way.  If some one has a reputation for lying and cheating you know its only a matter of time before they do it to you.  Seems I am never disappointed.

All that aside I have and I do enjoy his company. We sit for hours on SL while on voice. We even voice while playing Everquest.  I do, however have a few quandary's. 

If your man is married in rl and he cheats on you, is it still classed as cheating?  Do you even have a right to want monogamy with this man, or even expect him to not hurt you?   In reality he IS cheating on his wife/partner with you.   He swears he wont hurt you, wont cheat or betray your trust, but really how can any one who is married and playing around on-line, make such grandiose promises?   He has already broken those promises to his wife...

My friend pulled me to reality the other day and said " she was there first."  While, yes that is very true, BUT and it is a big but, He was separated when I met him. Since then he has reconciled with her. Kinda. 

Do the protocols of life, though often unspoken, work on-line too?  The morals of life that we are brought up on.  Can I trust some one I love to do the right thing? 

all so different
yet so achingly familiar.
The seductive dance with dulcet tones, calling, caressing, seducing.
hearts sing in perfect harmony. Pulses beating drumming throbbing.
Happiness filling every pore.

Love growing slowing, surely, until your so entwined with each others soul that you no longer know who is who.

Obsession starts to simmer on a low burning fire. Escalating until it feels out of control.
Such tight control inflicted, suffocating and clipping the very wings of a soul born to fly free.

Slowly the decline, the distance, shivering not knowing what's wrong, what you did. Sitting alone more and more. Searching for answers, for a sign, for a few crumbs of what once was.

"its not you, its me."
"Your special, you have so much to offer the right person."
"I love you, but I love her more."

Submission still taken, used, both holding on for what was, but not what can be.
Sitting amongst the ashes, sifting through it remains.

A soul that weeps.


Relationships all so different, yet all so achingly familiar.

People have been emailing me asking me why I did what I did. I have spent ages wondering the same thing myself. I really don’t want to go in to details, as that’s not fair on the other party’s.
The ending of our relationship was the absolute last straw for me. While I have been treated, at times horribly over the last 5 years, that last couple of months were just plain cruel.
I spent a lot of time thinking about contacting her before I actually did. It wasn’t just on the spur of the moment revenge, it went deeper than that.

I knew that if I ever breathed a word to any one about his emails or calls, he would never forgive me. That is ultimately why I did it. I wanted to burn every last bridge, because I knew if I didn’t at some stage I would go back to him. It wasn’t meant to hurt her, or even him, though I knew it probably would. For the first time in a long time I put my own feelings first. I knew he would talk his way out of it, that’s one of his biggest skills. And he did.

I am guessing she sent him the emails and that he made out I changed them. Funny thing is people have a certain way of ”speaking” and I cant emulate that.

SO its done. Not for revenge, not to hurt either of them, not even as a big fuck you, but to protect myself and make absolutely certain he would never want me again.

Time to move on, time to stop the hurt and realise that life is good on my own.


On a side note I am no longer enjoying word press. I am seriously thinking about moving the journal over to live-journal. Plus if I ever move hosting company’s again I wont lose the data base because they are being arses.